anticlimactic freedom

After thirteen years of schooling in the same system and with the same group of students, I found my end of this chapter of my life, the closing of these doors, rather anticlimactic. 

You imagine yourself falling apart when you walk away from your friends, or at least an unsettling feeling in your stomach for nervousness for your future. But when you experience absolutely no feelings towards it all, you cannot help but feel like a heartless person, or even worse, a robot.

I find myself as a hopeless romantic who has high expectations. I dream of these amazing experiences that may happen, such as someone sweeping me off of my feet, a fairy tale prom, or a dramatic graduation. When none of the above occur, it surely does confuse me. I think of my life as a movie and when I dream at night, I use every little bit of movies to create scenarios that only seem dramatic and amazing, and find myself disappointed very often with the realistic outcomes. For graduation, I expected myself to cry, or at least have a sense of loss, and if that didn't happen, I had hoped for a feeling of happiness or excitement. Although, I walked out of graduation feeling blank and without any thoughts or emotions. I expected more...something to happen!

I hate being disappointed and it's only in these situations that I can blame myself for dreaming too much and too high, but then I realize how important it is. If I didn't dream of myself going to an amazing school and becoming a strong student, I would not have become it. I realize that my fears hold me back from allowing myself to fail, experiencing trials of pain, and even not reaching my goals. I don't set my goals or dreams to high, but rather I don't work hard enough to reach them. I have finally reached one of my greatest and what seemed like my highest goal and it amazes me that I reached it, but it also makes me happy to realize my capabilities. I can do whatever I want and make every dream I have come true as long as I work for it. Having a guy sweep me off of my feet? I would have to do the research to find someone to create a strong bond with. Having a fairy tale prom? I would have had to keep a positive attitude the entire night to create that euphoric feeling. 

And as for a dramatic graduation? I would have had to let myself dwell on the past and only think of the good things that I will miss and nothing about my future. If you think about it, it would be a negative thing to only think about the past and to cry about leaving it. Change is good and when I think more about it, the more I realize the importance of it in my life. Without making changes in my life, and looking into the future with positive eyes, I will never enjoy my life.

And so, I think of everything that has happened to bring me to this end of a portion of my life, and I am happy to know that I get to experience another portion of it in my future. All I have to do is dream big and let myself work hard to make all of it come true.